this is a delphinium that wanted to me to post it.

How do I allow for expansion. hmm  let me see. I take a walk and look around me. oh and play the piano. I can only play one song right now but that is okay. a few sun salutations and triangles and a shoulder stand. A few moments of asking for some help. Letting things be. watching poly do poly stuff. dance. sit in my garden.

I am posting a picture of my younger son Harry. I took this while he was visiting for 24 hours earlier this week. He has been living down in the city with a girl I have never met since January. I saw him briefly in may when I moved marty out of his dorm. It was mother's day and he showed up late to help. We had lunch and i said goodbye. That was three months ago. We talk on the phone here and there.

 I took this picture to send to his school for his college ID card. I took it against the wall in the den. you can see part of the kitichen.  I hope it works.

I love to buy things for both of them. They had birthdays recently. I bought them stocking stuffer kind of things at Ten thousand villages.  I bought marty a bat puppet and some odd musical instruments that he can use in his recordings. I bought harry a weird rabbit head pig butt magnet that fits together and a bag of stone cats and a bar of chocalate and some other stuff.

 I went to target today and bought college supplies for harry. He wasn't with me but i had very much fun. I bought him some striped towels that he might hate but I figure that they won't get mixed up with everybody else's. I bought him two bowls, a plate and a glass. All green and plastic.  A bath mat. batteries, band-aids and antibiotic ointment. toothpaste and two toothbrushes. i can only hope. laundry detergent. biodegradable cleansing stuff in a spray bottle and gloves just in case. an alarm clock, garbage pail, bags and desk lamp. an under the bed storage container. I also purchased a broom and dust pin but there was no price on this so I said forget it. I wanted to buy this because when I helped marty move this may, he had no broom. his floor was disgusting. I had to borrow a hand brush from the security guard to clean it up. I don't plan on doing that again.

hmm. I think that is it, oh and toilet paper.

and of course sheets that won't qutie fit because they don't make sheets 36 by 80 and a pillow and a comforter and a sponge thing that sits on the mattress that he most likely won't use.

Harry won't really care but I enjoyed myself immensely buying stuff for him today.

I have been thinking about tennis. Okay there you go. Nothing  earth shattering.

I have played for many years. Kind of an obsession. sometimes a love hate kind of thing. All manner of emotions about it.

I didn't play much this winter for various reasons and kind of lost my interest. my play was sketchy too and I began to wonder if I should just drop it. You have to have a certain desire. there has to be something there to keep you in the game. You can't really have a lackadaisical attitude. There has to be a little fire. It is a fine line because if you want it too much that is not good either.

There is my dilemma. The fine line between wanting to win and playing well. 

I always thought of myself at non-competitive. I am beginning to realize that is not entirely the case.

I hate to lose.

Terrible to be that way.

More recently I have been playing more and enjoying it. wanting to play.

What I have been thinking or observing anyway recently or maybe forever is that when I play to play well, and not concerned about winning, when i am just concentrating on what I am doing and not the outcome, I end up playing better. Everything is easier. my actions seem to be  in slow motion.I appear to have more time. Opportunities seem to open up. More often as a consequence I end up winning. But if I don't, it is easier to live with. I don't beat myself up about it. 

So maybe that is true about most things. I just read satya seer's blog and he was speaking about being present and that is ,I guess, it. To be present in all that you do, be it playing tennis or doing the dishes. It makes everything better.

here is a picture of a pretty peony.

poly walking beside me with his loping gate and stopping to smell

some kids at the corner waiting for the bus to take them to summer camp. I think maybe it was the first day and everyone looked awkward and shy.

the breeze and the blue blue sky and the puffy white clouds that just hang there.

the flowers that people plant around their mailboxes

the blue spruces

playing tennis on wednesday mornings over at the high school with the women i have known forever it seems like now. getting to play and stopping for water and bouncing the ball, holding my racquet and looking up the sky. 

sitting in my backyard under the oak tree in one of the old grey adirondack chairs

looking at my garden and all at once it just opens up and color everywhere

the impatiens that i planted with the geraniums this year. i have never done that

the flower pots on my front stoop that i see every day when i drive up.

my wind chimes and the crabapple tree. my shade garden

riding my bike. going up the hill and feeling it in my thighs and the wind in my hair

going over to robins and sitting on her porch with the fans

open windows

not having to wear a coat

shorts and sandals

she had been doing farily well except for the fact that she was convinced that her real home was some where else and that her parents were still alive. She was obsessed with the concern that they needed her. She needed to get there to take care of them.

Every night uncle Bob would drive her around the neighborhood looking for her house to placate her. This went on for some time.

It came to  a crisis one day when she wandered out and crossed a four lane highway by herself. He found her in one piece on the other side.

She is in a nursing home now across from Samaritan in Troy. She is a resident of the" courtyard" which is a special unit downstairs. You have to use a code to use the elevator so the residents don't escape

 I have visited her there several times. Usually at lunch time. I sit with her while she eats  her cut up turkey and collard greens. That was lunch on friday, along with a twice baked potato and some kind of pie.  it looked quite tasty and smelled good. She ate very slowly as did all the other people at the table. They all seemed to be enjoying the meal. 

We chatted for awhile and she spoke quite a bit, about this hospital and that. One that she had worked at. She spoke of the weather and keeping busy. She told me how neat and clean it was there. 

She was very content. She was happy to see me. I like to stop there on my lunch hour and sit with her a bit.

He and  Neva remained close despite their divorce. They married very young.  he was always there for her. He did remarry but it was not a happy marriage and it was soon after that he got very sick. He had a difficult time at the end. Neva stayed with him and was there at his side night and day. He told her that he always loved her. All of his friends rallied around to take care of him. He died around Christmas two years ago. 

Neva had suggested that I send him something. I chose a CD by Iron and Wine, a band that Marty had introduced to me. I didn't realize until after I sent it that most of the songs were about death. This is an example. The music is so haunting and beautiful. I am not sure he ever even heard it but I felt a little bad that i sent it. Maybe he would have just enjoyed it.

I didn't really tell him,  today what a good father he is, but I tried to show it, my way. I took him out dinner last night and i made him a nice a breakfast. I sat with him and i smiled at him and I walked with him in the  park with poly. I spent the morning weeding and I was tired. He started to clean out the shed and I really didn't want to start on that and I would rather do it my way ,in my own time. I helped him though and I kept quiet and I let him do it his way even though it made me anxious.

He went grocery shopping and I put every thing away. We made dinner together and I did the dishes. 

I was here for him today.

I called harry down in Ny and left a message for him to please call. I called him several times. He finally called thank goodness.

I emailed marty who is in Berlin twice and reminded him. He emailed Rich today as well.

I was relieved that they checked their messages and contacted him

Poly showed his affection with no reminders several times and too much.

I hope it was a good day for him and I hope that he feels appreciated.

He must already know that he is a good father. He loves his children and constantly cares about them. That is the most important thing. When they are not happy, he is not happy. The same goes for me.

He is a a good person. He is a good father. I wanted today to be nice for him